My Story is still being written, each and every day.
If you must know it all, I’ll add stuff over time, and you’ll get a sense of how I easily managed to climb A LOT of ladders in a wide variety of disciplines and areas of expertise.
You’ll be well jealous, but as someone once said, it’s not about you – get over it.
Ok, so here’s a little story about a hot girl from South County Dublin who made her way right to the top.
That’s me there on the right, with a little cartoon filter added because that’s so hot right now, and also because creeps REALLY think I’m hot and generally make my life, like really hard online.
I was born in the late 80’s, to two parents with a 5 bedroom house, three cars and no other children, thank god. We lived near the sea and a Dart line, so you can probably guess the rough location.
And when I say “rough”, I mean it – it’s like 20 minutes walk to Ballybrack. 8 minutes if you’re running back to Bally’er with like a handbag or phone or something under your fleece or down the front of your tracksuit pants.
So, as you can probably guess, I was privately educated, and did like REALLY well in most subjects, apart from maths and science, and all the ones where you need like a technical brain.
My total fave subject of all was like SOOOO English. The teacher was a hottie, and convinced me to do lower level for the Leaving Cert. He was sooooo cute….and insisted his reasons were pure, that he thought the Higher Level would be too much, but I know he just fancied me and wanted me in his class 😉
How inappropriate of him! But I didn’t make a fuss, like my level of words is pretty functioning as is, so whatevers. We both had a laugh.
After my Leaving Cert, I took a year out (due to mental fatigue – more on that issue later – or never) and went to Perth (that’s in Australia). It was there I discovered my love of, and obvious talent for, talking online with randomers – AKA social media. I’d consider myself, like well ahead of trend, by possibly four or five years, and when I eventually returned to sunny South County Dublin, my mates were SOOOOOOOO impressed with everything I had achieved!
They were LITERALLY flabbergasted with how such a shy, modest and realistic girl from the ‘hood’ could amass over 600 Facebook friends in just under one year. Remember, this was like 2005 or something, we barely even had computers in our houses. Well, obviously, my family did, but let’s not get lost in history.
Around, like, three months after I returned home from Perth (business class), the landline was LITERALLY hopping with loads of top-level execs looking to hire my skills and harness my unique social media strategies for their own benefit. I thought “make them pay”, and they did, with a well-impressive salary battle commencing between a major Dublin-based online marketing firm called “Gobbeldy-Smith Online Marketing Forum” and a boutique media production unit called “CultureBrain MergeShock“, who’ve since been sued, like, thousands of times, but nothing to do with me.
Anyway…..I decided to check out both of their offices and see which one suited my style and fashion-sense the most.
Gobbeldy-Smith Online Marketing Forum
It was a Tuesday morning when I met these guys, and to be honest, I was hangin’ like a homeless man’s shoe. Sunday wine-night rolled well into Monday afternoon, and I struggled to even have a shower. But I did, and they were mega-impressed.
Their office was awful though, and the guy who met me smelled of pepperoni and wet brown bread. So, like, obviously that was a no-no.
These guys, who I met the following day, were a lot cooler in the general sense. It was 2006, and they were as on-trend as any marketers I’d met up to this point. One was even wearing a Mr Oizo t-shirt!! I though “wow, this place is like SOOOO COOOOOOL”.
We clicked, like literally everybody in their office thought I was SOOOOOO FUNNY, and they made me an offer, which was modest, but I’m a modest gal, and a foot on the ladder was important to me (and my parents – selfish).
So that was my first job on this island really, and I spent many happy years (2) with CultureBrain MergeShock. Eventually, professional differences forced me out, and the boss decided his wife WAS hotter than me. Sadly, two months after I had VOLUNTARILY resigned, there was an anonymous complaint of sexual harassment which opened up a whole can of law-worms on the CEO and his stupid assistant. The business went into receivership, and like disappeared or whatever happens.
Nothing to do with me, like.
Tired with the cut-throat nature of the marketing world, I decided to take a step back and focus on my other love – makeup and the scent industry.
All hot girls do at least a summer on the fancy fragrance counter in Harvey Nichols or the likes, so that’s where I went next. Sailing through the interview process, obviously, I developed not only a keen sense of smell, but the ability to instantly and accurately predict every girl’s favourite scent by simply looking at their entire outfit. This skill helped me shoot up the ladder in Harvey’s, reaching floor supervisor status within 2 years, but ultimately my burning desire (and undoubted talent) for social media affected my daily life and made things difficult.
People claim it was @chrismessina who invented the hashtag on Twitter, but he’s lying – I was using it in real life AT LEAST two months before he stole the idea.
When making a sale in the perfume department, upon handing the receipt to whatever munter just paid like €60 for some smelly water, I’d say “hashtag – get your roots done”, or “hashtag – ease off the vino”. Generally really, like, helpful tips and stuff (a bit like my life coaching skills).
Some complained, but they were always the ones in leggings and leopard print hoodies or whatever. If you’re going to wear leggings, make sure there’s no spillover – “hashtag – ease off the vino” appears once again. It’s not my fault your parents can’t cook.
So after 4 successful years making women smell, look and feel better, a mutual decision was made between me and my supervisor that my talents were too wide-reaching and raw for a customer facing role. With this compliment in tow, I left Harvey Nichols, moved into an apartment with my bff Rosslyn near the IFSC, and started networking on a scale that hadn’t been witnessed since history books talked about, like Viking invasions or something.
At this stage, there wasn’t regular income in my life, but not being materialistic AT ALL, this didn’t bother me. Daddy set up a recurring monthly allowance (as per his responsibilities) and I lived day-to-day like a 1960’s London poet. This is where I nailed down my life-coaching abilities and empathy with fellow humans, even poor people. I would regularly offer free advice to strangers on the street, in a display of philanthropy not seen since the Brits brought civilisation and manners to Ireland.
So the time has come to give my talents back to the world, and this is why I’ve created this excellent website. Over time, it’ll become THE GO TO GUIDE for all things life-related, and not just for hot girls like me, but even normal people.
You can follow me on Twitter – @LikeTotesSocial – for even more access to my genius.
Please email me if you’d like the full works, life-coaching and style-altering.
I don’t come cheap, but life is a catwalk.
And you ARE DEFINITELY NOT a cat.